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What’s Next? Sponsoring Marijuana Use and Recreational Wife-Swapping?

Are there no workhouses…?

Today I was approached by a man who wanted to know if the Food Here Convenience Store would be interested in sponsoring a little league baseball team.

At first, I assumed he meant sponsor in the “Alcoholics Anonymous” sense of the word and was prepared to sign up immediately. As a regular seller of intoxicating beverages to underage drinkers I can’t help but feel I may have a social responsibility to assist and mentor those I’ve had a hand in corrupting.

My assumption, however, was entirely incorrect.

While the little league team may or may not be comprised of children with symptoms of early-onset alcohol abuse, the man had something vastly different in mind. Much to my surprise, his proposal was that I should consider paying for the clothing and equipment of middle class children so that they might participate in outdoor recreation.

Naturally, I found this request both perplexing and absurd.

Perhaps, I suggested, the families of these children might consider trimming their roster of Filipino nannies or designer telephones before seeking out financial assistance from the humble likes of me. Surely if they can afford uniforms for their housekeepers and gardeners some additional belt tightening might allow them to muster the resources to outfit their own offspring as well.

My visitor dismissed this notion and pressed on, advising me of the promotional opportunities inherent in this offer.

I pooh-poohed his assertion at once. Having sold these youngsters a steady diet of soda, candy and chips over the past several years I can personally attest to the fact that they are, in general, dangerously obese. Given their girth, I suspect their games would result in countless 10-year old cardiac arrests and – from a marketing perspective – do not think it wise for people to witness children being hauled from the field with the words “Food Here Convenience Store” emblazoned across their no longer beating chests.

Undeterred, my new friend appealed to my sense of community and the value of baseball as a teacher of self-discipline, responsibility and teamwork. This, of course, is patently untrue. I’ve witnessed a baseball game in the past and believe it teaches nothing other than the fact that it is inappropriate for men to wear stretch pants.

I countered that if these children are sincerely interested in learning life lessons I would be pleased to employ them in a small but functional sweatshop. It occurs to me that rather than wearing baseball jerseys they would be better served garnering practical experience in assembling them. In terms of teamwork and life lessons, few things provide greater education than working a 12-hour shift in front of an industrial sewing machine while a benign but demanding employer barks harsh commands at you in a foreign tongue.

My guest became agitated at this juncture and left the store in what can only be described as a huff. I do hope he returns, however, as I have already purchased a bolt of fabric, a 40 watt light bulb, a small amount of gruel and am anxious to begin production soon.

Yours in convenience,

Ram Venkatararam

P.S. I am interested in engaging in some recreational bathing. If anyone is prepared to purchase a XXXL Speedo on my behalf I will be pleased to write your name across the backside in permanent marker.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. I still find it amazing that so many people are against child labor. All anyone’s kids do is consume, break stuff, and eventually crank out kids of their own, starting the whole vicious cycle all over again.

    Sure, their arms might be too small to run the screenprinter, but they’ve got the perfect childlike hands needed for menial assembly and precise stitching. Plus, there’s the whole bilingual thing. That’s a bonus.

    They refer to it as “cruelty.” Christ, have you seen how kids interact with each other? There’s real cruelty for you. Most recess periods make “Lord of the Flies” look like “Little House on the Prairie.” If anything, kids are in need of cruelty directed at them by imposing, swarthy shop owners whose idea of “fun” is backbreaking labor followed by some caste-related shaming. With any luck, it will get them into shape for their eventual careers in license plate crafting.

    If you really want to practice some cruelty, teach them test cricket. After a week straight of non-stop, thoroughly confusing competition, they’ll be dying to do something as simple as run a toxic fume-spewing industrial sewing machine. You can trick them into cricket hell by telling them that “cricket is very much like baseball except that it’s completely different in every aspect.” Once they’re out there, dressed in white and trying to figure out what the hell happened to the “bat,” the “pitcher,” the “bases” and the “beer vendor,” they’ll be misting over and dreaming of long, unlit days in front of Ol’ Toxie and her several dangerous attachments, most of which are either made out of the finest in finger-maiming technology or pure, uncut asbestos.

    Welcome back, Ram!

  2. I am so overcome with joy, I am speechless. The world needs you and your sensical, naive-yet-totally-appropriate-in-an-aspergers-sort-of-way advice.

    Indeed, I have two young boys who are sturdy enough to start earning their own way in life. None of this American extended-adolescence for us. Please let us know where to ship them.

    Yours in culturally necessary/acceptable slaver,
    BKT

  3. ruolngulworld permalink

    Hilarious, but that’s it? Only one post?

  4. I hope to be stopping by the store soon and buying some of your vintage-aging dairy products.

  5. When the hell did this store reopen. It’s been 2 years and the crap you are selling is still left over from them. Didn’t you restock??

    • I’m wary, Bearman.

      This may not be the real Ram, it may be a Scam Ram.

      The last I’d heard, Ram was still in prison. He could, I suppose, have broken out; in which case this could be Ram on the Lam.

      …..all we need now is a ding dong.

  6. Ram!!!!

    It’s been waaaay too long!!! 🙂 I’ve nominated your blog for a One Lovely Blog Award: http://mackthewriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/internet-miracles-can-come-true/

    Click on the link to see how to accept, if you’re interested.

    Debbi

    PS: Please tell the old cranky guy that his blog is nominated, too!!!!! 😀 Thanks!

  7. Oh what a wonderful post. I’ve been in the public service industries, catering, and now I work in the retail sector, and this just made me laugh out loud

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